“It is while the tears run down my cheek burning like hot iron that I write. Since a long time, the scream of despair and sorrow was just inside me lurking in the dark to find the right time, the one moment of weakness to come out and tear everything I worked on since several month, into pieces.
The shattered pieces of a crumbling soul, lost in a space where no light, no mirror is to be seen, my mind drags me there, so that I can feel the deep pain erupting from my chest as relief. Though fighting the impulse such a long time, I gave up myself again, so that I can rely on being the victim of somebody else, as it comforts me to know I can claim it’s his fault.
Scared to death to give up the last threshold of familiar environment and to seek new experience I returned to the path of the past, of dark thoughts, of loneliness of blaming him. It is difficult to be happy to face the true enemy of joy, yourself. So, what to do? Just claim you are the victim; it is the easiest thing. To embrace change, to have the power to say I do not love you anymore by giving up the well-deserved comfort and to fight for the person who you really should love yourself, it is too hard…
Further you push away the brilliant guy, who tried to build up a connection with you, you push so hard just to be on the safe side. What next? Oh yes, the good old fridge, my only true friend who never gave up on me, always having an invitation to just help me on gulping greedily all my stress, grief and pain by eating, eating, eating.
Now the blame for surrender to the food started two minutes ago, but does it make a difference if I just eat because I need the comfort, I just break the rule for the last time, until when? The next time and the next weakness. They are all just superficial cowards claiming to apparently like me, but I know how they look at the swimming pool, their judgmental glimpse, even for one moment shows me again the pity, or arrogance, or compromise for being there with me, the fat and ugly woman, who wears size 58.
Well on this road I dreamt of the power to do a real change, to prove myself I am not the coward hiding while watching Netflix. Yes, I know I am not at my goal, but half the way and still the sweat, the sleepless nights craving for sweets, the parties drinking only water, it all payed out when I watch myself in the mirror. You will maybe ask why? Because it is for the first time, I see the real ME and I can commit to say I am so damn beautiful and happy to have lost 58 kilograms. My executive career, my house, the car all worth nothing compared to the inner piece I found, to the joy I live when I order clothes online not being XXXL, but M size.
I can count down the hundreds of times starting and giving up, using same old excuses that it is difficult, and I cannot do it. What has changed, well let me answer you that.
The person who was there giving me his hand to raise from my knees, the person who trusted me that I can and will do the change. His name is Marian and he understood the struggle, the pain the craving by not fighting it, or making me feel guilty. He just showed kindness and listened carefully whenever it was needed. It is with magical emotional touch he works giving you what you need.
Gratitude is just a word, but I find no better way to thank him, except writing these lines. Thank you for being yourself, honest, dedicated and passionate in going hand in hand this way and supporting me to change my life.